if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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