Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
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Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
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I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.