I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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