my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
