I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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