I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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