My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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