I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
