connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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