Your face is a jimmy john
I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
This is my gift to your gina
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
