Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
