I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
