Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
