Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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