it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
