so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
i will never coherently bang her
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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