Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
