You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
