like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Two words: blizzard sex
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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