remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
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There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
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Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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