is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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