It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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