i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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