I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Couch. On fire.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
