I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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