just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
