i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
