My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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