I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
