I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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