i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
