you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You ate ashes out of my bong
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