i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
