I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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