Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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