: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
