Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
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