a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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