It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
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I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
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Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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