It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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