i just sent this text using only my big toe
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
