fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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