I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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