I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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