Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
