The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
