bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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