why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
