Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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