i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
