yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
40s are totally the cure
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
