You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Can you bring me the toilet please
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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