looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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