oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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