Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
