I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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