You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
We're too hungover to prance.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
