So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
