Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
